spite pill

INPUT/OUTPUT IMBALANCE

2010-01-21T10:36:00.002-05:00

I am so fucking tired of these government workers who bitch and moan about every little shit that lands on their plate. If you hate your job so much, do something about it, get a new one. These people complain all day long but don't do anything about it. They sacrifice their dignity for the job security and perks of a job in the public service. Weak.

I work among them but I have only a temporary contract. I appreciate every day of it, even if it is not my dream job. I still recall the miserable days when I finished school but failed to find a job. It fucking blows when you have a Master's degree and you still get turned away from even menial customer service jobs.

A friend of mine referred to her own government job as "golden handcuffs": she liked the money and perks but was bored with the work. She still did it and did not bitch about it all the fucking time. She had her priorities straight and did what needed to be done. She was still in school, finishing her Master's when I spoke to her last.

My issue here is with people who have finished school a while ago but are not too old to make major changes in life. At the core of the issue is an imbalance of input and output that a person has. Generally, the way I see this concept is as follows. A variety of tasks and information is sent to a person. Bosses at work ask things of you, your private life demands attention to be given to various tasks, friends and family require attention too. This is "input". I see this input as any form of information that you take in.

"Output" then is the reaction. It is the way you react to the input, and what you show the world after processing the information. Computers have clearly defined algorithms so the input matches the output, or we get an error message. Humans are more wishy-washy.

Take Miss M. Miss M works for the government. She has a permanent position, 8 to 4 every day, with a day off every 2 weeks. She just got married and bought a very nice house in the suburbs. She has 2 cats, a lot of friends, and the usual family issues that we all have. Her job is not mentally challenging, nor is it fulfilling. It does, however, pay the bills, and it does provide a a fairly relaxed work atmosphere. In fact, Miss M. has not done a single hour of overtime in months. I would classify this as a pretty good life. Job, family, very little stress. The input, the sum of information that is directed towards Miss M. is overall positive and low in volume.

However, there is a discrepancy between the input and output. The output if much more negative than expected. Miss M. complains about her work all the time, often to the point where her face gets red and her voice gains a tone of anger and desperation. The issues at the workplace which trigger this negative output are minor. Her boss sometimes goes around her in order to get things done faster. Miss M. is pretty hard set on following policy, whereas her boss just wants stuff done quickly. What fascinates me most is Miss M.'s weakness. How come she is so prone to react violently to such little negative input when she has all that positive input, her boss aside?

I think, as always, that the key lies withing the psychological realm. I do not know Miss M. very well, but from what I gathered from overhearing phone conversations, and from having lunch with her and other colleagues, gives me a good idea what is going on. Miss M. suffers from what she feels is a lack of recognition. Her mother always showed more love towards Miss M's younger sister. At work, she works for a boss who's harder to deal with than my own, and she sees this on a daily basis. Through her boss's relative lack of appreciation, Miss M. relives the relationship she has with her mother, one of under-appreciation. This triggers a strong reaction to relatively small issues at the workplace. A solution would be for her boss to act like a father figure who loves his daughter a lot and thanks her for every little thing, and praises her like she were a little perfect angel.

The irony, and that which amuses me most about this, is that Miss M. is NOT that little angels at all. She is an average office bitch, a paper pusher who values policy above getting the job done, and who does not give a damn about the people she is supposed to help. As an administrative assistant, supporting your team with administrative issues should be on top of the list. Miss M.'s output at work is one lacking the very input she seeks. In other words, she treats people like numbers and wraps them in red tape, but expects them to treat her like a heaven-sent admin who goes beyond the call of duty to serve.

To me, these observations are so plain, obvious, and amusing in a sad, ironic way. I wonder how Miss M. fails to see this, how she can look in the mirror each day and still think she is some amazing little jem, whose superhuman efforts are overlooked...

FEELINGS

2009-12-21T08:30:00.002-05:00

1: I am an octopus. I have long tentacles that reach out. These are the tentacles of my mind and soul. The two work simultaneously but not always together. Usually my life is filled with content. Each tentacle is wrapped around a piece of something good. As the octopus, my tentacles are seeking these good things and I grab them and I bring them in to suck on the sweet juices oozing from my prey. Because I have captured these positive things I have become stable with their weight. Since I have so many good things, all my tentacles are occupied and I become surrounded by pillars of stability which I hold on to and feed on. Life is good then, a sense of content flows from my acquired pillars of goodness. I live on happily.

2: I am an octopus. I swim in the middle of the ocean. I leave behind a black trail of tears. It is the ink that is leaking from my glands. It flows like blood, only without killing me, only making me think it does. Tricky ink! Though my trail is marked, my destination is lacking. My tentacles touch nothing but water. Cold. Salty. Dull. I reach out every time but find nothing to hold on to. So I just keep swimming, and swimming, and swimming, and leaking ink. Other fish see me and think "Oh, look at the trail of that octopus! Seems to have a good direction!" They are wrong, they do not understand the emptiness that presents itself when there is no destination, no aim. Some say the journey matters more than the destination. But the journey does not exist. As I realize this I also acknowledge that I have not been moving. The dark emptiness is in fact the water over-saturated with black tears. I have been stagnating, not even swimming. I have been in solitary limbo, reaching out blindly but never grabbing onto anything. I suffocate on my own sadness and die.

3: I am not an octopus, obviously. An octopus can't use a keyboard. The two examples are what I see as extremes of the psyche. Sometimes we have everything and feel happy with day to day life. Other times we have nothing and we feel empty and deserted. But most of the time we are somewhere in between... Recent events placed me somewhere closer to the sad octopus, but not at the extreme by any means. Times like these, though sad, carry a degree of usefulness because I can learn abut myself. If I am happy all the time, there is no real challenge other than maintaining that level. When I am sad, on the other hand, a challenge is in the air, an enemy arises. The battle starts. Ok, well, not quite that dramatic! What I mean is that in sad times I feel like an octopus who lost part of the support pillars it had gained. While this is not good, it does mean that a few tentacles are once again free to explore and feel around. Moreover, more attention falls on the pillars that do remain standing, and I appreciate those aspects of life a bit more. The challange I menitoned comes in the form of creating an action plan to deal with the sadness in the best way possible. This can turn out to be very hard and that in itself is another reason why a sad state of being pushes you much more than a happy one. Being happy means reaching a goal. Being sad means figuring out a goal and impoving yourself so that you can attain it. It is easy to fall into the extreme like the sad octopus, and become depressed and inert. It is better to use the situation to your advantage, feed on the energy even though it is a negative one. Use the sadness, turn it into anger, and feen on that fire to fuel your engine and light your way.

REALITY SMACK

2009-12-17T23:38:00.002-05:00

This day and age we often live out our lives through layers of virtual realities. Our alter egos and idealized selves populate the online world. We often forget about reality. We but too much into the constructed selves that represent us online and we start mistaking them for reality.

But every once in a while the real world slaps you in the face with unforgiving tenacity. So what do you do when this happens? You cannot just close the window or add a witty comment. You can't fix it with a twitter post. You can't whip out your iPhone and run some magical app called "Fix This!".

In the real would you need to act. You need to take action and do more than tap a bunch of keys. You can go for a quick fix like drinking or doing some drugs. This will provide your brain with chemical relief. However, it is temporary. You will not fix your problems this way.

Sooner or later you have to do something about it. You have to confront you reality and your feelings. You have to step out of your comfort zone and actually do something about it.

No matter what you problem is, you have to ask a few basic questions.
1. Is this worth fighting for? If it is, do not lie to yourself only to take the easy way out.
2. What can I do? be honest with yourself and do your best to follow through. Don't pussy out and hide behind cowardly excuses.
3. How do I do it? Reality is much harder to handle than the virtual world. You need motivation. Go to friends, ask for help. Search deep within your soul. You can't Google your answers. You can only look inwardly and the way will reveal itself. Follow it, and most importantly, stay true to yourself.

I cannot emphasize this enough. You must be strong as steel and your determination must be unflinching. If you are not true to yourself you FAILED everything. Reality is useless if you experience it through a layer of lies.

PROJECT AND PROJECTION

2009-12-11T10:17:00.004-05:00

One of the most common sources of a love-hate relationship is one's family. These are the people you cannot choose, the people who gave you life, and who later give you hell. Hidden behind pretenses of caring for you, they in fact skillfully undermine your psyche and fill you with doubt. Many grow up to believe that they can rely on their immediate family during, good times and bad. Many try to make an effort to get along with their family because they know they cannot change the family they are born in. Many of these things I am saying are cliche and they are not news to anyone.

Here's a new take on family, and more narrowly, on parents. Stop it. Just stop putting them on a pedestal, people! It does not matter if they are nice to you or mean. The whole thing is over-rated. They are two people who fucked without birth control, and you are the meat-bag that came out of your mom's uterus 9 months later.

Stop having these feelings of debt towards these people. Yes, they gave you life. Yes, they fed you. It was their choice and you had no say in it at the time. Sorry to burst your bubble. You are not a precious creature adored and sheltered by your parents love. I think people with bad parents get the more realistic side of life. When their dad comes home drunk and beats the shit out of them, they get automatically stop having any illusions.

Parental love is a sham. You are nothing more than the result of a projection of all that your parents failed in life. Their failures, and hopes, respectively, are dumped on YOU, and you do not even have a say in it! You are born in chains, and they will hang around your neck forever, unless you start revising the way you think about traditional family ties. Even an apparently good relationship with one's parents is only a layer of thin ice, waiting to break at the first occasion. All you have to do to break this thin layer is to think for yourself. Try it today! Try going to your parents and letting them know something they do not know about you, something you chose never to tell them because you knew all along that there might be an issue there. See the reaction.

All your life you are oppressed. Politicians, bad bosses, terrible city planning, criminals, the sources are endless. As an honest individual, you might still think that family is the place you can turn to in times of need. Wrong! The support they offer is superficial and it depends on how much you deviated from that idealistic projection of their hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams are nothing more than a product of failure, so they are just as bad, in the end. They are a product of failure because only when you fail, do you gain a perspective where you can compare and contrast different perspectives. If you have nothing but victory in life, then you will feel empty: you have nothing to compare your victories to because you have never failed.

My practical advice is to keep your family in the dark. Don't give them much information about your true self. Be honest with them as much as you can, but never too honest. Any emotional grip you give them will eventually be used as a springboard for their attacks at the first deviation you show. Be neutral, cold, calculated. These people brought you in the world because they chose to. Why should you suffer for their decisions? Be a machine. Save your emotions for when you are with people who you are not chained to, like your lover and friends.

Family members love to compare accomplishments, success, and status. If you a free thinker and do not subscribe much to traditional social norms, this can really put you on the wrong side of the fence with your family. Since you your parent's project and projection, you are expected to reach certain checkpoints in life. Deviate from the projected track and you trigger only negative feedback. For example, to close relatives, it is unacceptable to lack a goal in life. Do you know why this is so? The reason has to do mainly with loss of control. Deviance on your part reflects as total failure on your parents. Their little project is falling apart, and, oh! how long and hard they have been trying to keep it on track, pulling by the chains in an effort to prevent deviations.

I would just stop trying to "make things work" and just focus your energy somewhere else, in a more optimistic environment.

CROSSING THE LINE

2009-11-23T09:39:00.001-05:00

I am probably not the first, and will certainly not be the last one to comment of where one draws the line at the workplace. At what point does a joke become offensive? How does that point compare to the same one outside of work? And how about the same point, outside of work, but with people from work?

I am a pretty open minded person for whom political correctness seems just a way the system is trying to limit our freedom of expression. But having freedom of expression does not mean one has to abuse it to the point where it offends others. When a co-worker crosses the line between joke and insult it is different than when a friend does so. A co-worker whose jokes consist of racist slurs and sexual content puts everyone around in a state of anxiety. If you do not want to get on the joker's bad side, you must bear the jokes. If you want to stand up for you own beliefs, you must become enemies with the joker.

If the same kind of jokes repeat at a non-work location, like the cafeteria for example, does the standard change? Does the line move? The joker's comments become even more offensive because the office setting no longer places any barriers. The situation becomes even more terrible when in a whole group, there is not a single person who stands up to say "That's enough! You are crossing the line!" The most I heard was "Oh, you are so bad! Haha!", said by another co-worker to the joker.

I believe in the freedom of expression. I can appreciate a sense of humor, even cynical and bitter. But the line is crossed when the joke becomes a direct offence. Most of the time, this occurs due to ignorance and lack of education. The reason, however, does not excuse such offensive behavior.

So where does this leave the indirect victims of the joker's offensive behavior? There are two kinds of victims: the ones who do not know they are being joked about, and the ones who are not directly joked about, but who feel like they partly belong to the group targeted by the joker. Personally, I have many co-workers in common with the joker. Thus I often find myself in a group (lunch, coffee) where the joker is also present. I look and act like most of the people in this group, but my background is foreign, so part of me feels more closely related to the victims of the joker's racist slurs. I feel I should stand up for my sake and for the other victims' sake as well.

What is the solution? Policy most likely suggests to file a complaint with human resources. I think all I would have to do is submit this blog entry and replace the word "joker" with the name of the co-worker I have in mind.

ADMINS GONE BAD

2009-11-17T08:15:00.006-05:00

I fucking hate those admin bitches, their facades, their gossip, and especially their love of red tape.

I should mention right now that not all administrative assistants are like that. Some are very nice people. But this rant is not about the nice people working in office administration. It is about the middle age females who match the description of the introductory sentence, and to whom I shall now refer to as "admin bitches".

If you find yourself wondering around the microcosm of an office environment, here are some pointers to keep in mind in order to avoid problems. One thing to keep in mind in the capitalist society of North America is that if your job is not permanent, it is a constant target for others. The admin bitches see are never pleased with their current job, so if your job is up for grabs, they will want to take it for various reasons. Some examples of reasons are social in nature. For example, if admin bitch A is friends with admin bitch B, but they don't work in the same department, then admin bitch A will change jobs just to be closer to her friend. It is up to you to prevent such nonchalance bu not giving up your job without a fight. Admin bitch A and B in the same office means no work will ever get done. A hell of red tape will pour out of that office. Unacceptable!

Another thing to keep in mind is that admin bitches are not your friends. They are your enemy, really, but they are impossible to avoid or ignore because you simply must work with them. They are easy to make friends with usually, but you will soon realize that any sign of friendship is superficial. What you are in fact interacting with is a very professional facade. This facade will drop as soon as you dare argue with them. Be especially cautious about opening intelligent conversation, or alluding to anything like knowledge, learning, and self improvement through education. The admin bitch has a severe allergic reaction to all such topics. She is not there to learn, she is there to pretend to work and get paid for it. Do not dare doubt her! Her lack of education - in her opinion - is irrelevant, and more education is a waste of time and money. Pushing paper and vomiting red tape is all the admin bitch really wants form her career. Add to that some poor bastard of a husband who probably has to listen to bullshit all day, and a bunch of semi-diseased offspring to go with the package, and voila! You got one happy middle class North American family. To bring this back to the starting point, remember not to think you are their friend. You have no place in the admin bitch's life aside from being a funny coffee break distraction or a lunchtime gossip receptacle.

Gossip is a universal trait of the admin bitch. It is a virus that infects all office bitches because their brains are inadequately equipped to fight off this disease. The way the virus works is as follows. The admin bitch's auditory system picks up a sound transmission in the form of chatter between other employees, or a one sided phone conversation. Due to the minute size of her brain, she is unable to hold this information for long, else her brain will blow up. If it did, it would not make a sound because it is microscopic. But anyway, the fact is that the admin bitch must relay the information to her friends, the other admin bitches. Since the brain buffer can only hold about half a day's amount of information, lunch time is prime time for the discharge of the buffer. This is done orally, in the form of verbal diarrhea. It is boring, long, and you are better off not getting involved. Any gossip is bad. Make sure that you do not tell the admin bitches anything too personal because it will become gossip soon.

I personally think that one should pursue a friendly relationship with co-workers because one is there for 8 hours each day. But when it comes to admin bitches, I find the best strategy is to stay neutral. Have a professional attitude, be respectful, and do not get dragged into their schemes.

ADDICTIVE IDENTITY

2009-09-01T08:47:00.004-04:00

Cigarettes are much more than an addiction to nicotine. They are a lifestyle. I feel that non smokers do not understand this. I feel like non-smokers only see it as an addiction to a substance that helps with stress and damages your health.

By "non-smokers" I am refering to people who have never been smokers. There is a big diffeence between these and former smokers, so please keep that in mind.

Cigarettes are a lifestyle. The breaks you take througout the day serve as dividers. They cut down a cumbersome and long day into manageble pieces. The breaks force you to get out of the cubicle or store or whatever your workplace is, and step outdoors. This is good for the mind. Your eyes see something new.

The chemical part of smoking functions as a reward system. By knowing that at the end of the next X hours of work is a dose of a substance that will trigger a small sense of joy you can work better, and harder. Time flies faster when you are busy, and before you know it, you are having a smoke again.

A cigarette break is also relaxing for the brain, aside form the chemical effect. This applies especially when you smoke alone. You get a chance to clear your mind and let it wander, daydream or think of nothing at all, as you enjoy the cigarette.

Cigarettes also play a role in fighting boredom. When you wait for the bus, or when you are too early for some event. You can wait outside and have a smoke, and maybe meet others like you, thus increasing your social circle.

These are some of the reasons why quitting smoking is not just about ditching a physical addiction to a substance that triggers certain reactions in your brain. It is about abandoning a whole lifestyle, a whole part of your identity. This is what is tough.

It can be argued that none of the aspects related to smoking that I have listed above are truly part of you, and they are merely associations triggered by the chemical addiction itself. Since you have the potential to be your own worst enemy, it makes sense that the most compelling arguments in defense of smoking would come from within. But in a society where so many people define who they are through superficial junk every day, who is to say cigarettes are more legitimate or less legitimare of a defining identity trait?

HENS, ZOMBIES, RATS

2009-08-25T08:46:00.008-04:00

I have recently manage to get a a job in a government setting. As it often happens with things we humans hype up, my success and initial excitement was swiftly followed by a realization that it's not really that interesting. Before I begin spilling the beans on the government job experience, I want to clarify that I am very happy to be working here and to have a job in these economic times. Nevertheless, simply because I am happy, I do not have to be ignorant about the sham of things and people around me.

As an administrative assistant, I get to deal with a lot of people throughout the day. I am not stuck in my corner keying away at the computer, coding or whatnot. While this makes the day less routine in nature, it also exposes me to a variety of attitudes. I would say that about half the people I see in a day are pretty nice, positive, honest people. I say 'good morning', they reply, and if we happen to be walking the same way we will exchange some trivial yet honest remarks perhaps. Among these are the bosses and managers, all of whom are a cut above: they are really smart, educated people, who have a solid common sense and good manners. I respect them the most and I hope one day I can be like them.

The other half is composed of what I like to label as "my enemies". While they are not in fact enemies, I do have a feeling that if we were at war, I would be on the opposing side. This bunch is a mix of uneducated women, rude middle-to-old-aged men, and brain dead students. These three groups are unique enough for each of them to deserve a little attention.

The uneducated women I see as hens, pecking around, clucking at one another. The younger ones are noisy at lunch time, they laugh a lot, and their sense of humor is sub-par. The older ones have a similar behaviour, but they lack the energy level of the young hens. Consequently, they are slower, they smoke a lot, and are not too noisy. They have been working here for so long that any spark of drive and desire to move ahead in life has long faded from their psyche. In essence they become human broken records. They say the same thing every day. I say 'Hi' to one of them pretty much on a daily basis. She always smiles, says 'Hi' back, and when I follow up with 'How are you doing today?' she always replies 'It's such a nice day out!' or some other generic comment about the weather, which seems to be a reflection of her disposition. I have unfortunately noted that even the most violent of storms failed to wipe the fake smile of her face. Did I mention I see her play Solitaire each time I walk by her door? If any of the hens have anything above high school degrees, they have certainly buried them deep under layers of complacence.

The second group of sheep surrounding me are males past their prime. They are middle-to-old-aged men who have found a pretty good job and the comfort keeps them there. While the women put on their fake foot forward, the men just have this hopeless aura around them. It is much more depressing. At least the women make an effort to keep their attitude professional. These past-mid-life-crisis guys are a sad bunch because they openly show distaste with their position in life and work, but they do not do anything to change it. I admit that a job brings money and you might want to do it even when you do not necessarily love it. But at their age it is unacceptable to have not found a place where they can like their work. No wonder they look so brain dead, they are! While he women were hens clucking, these men are zombies - less intrusive but far smellier and more difficult to scrape of the proverbial road, or in this case, off my conscience once I leave work.

The last group I have a problem with is students. They are only one or two years younger than I am, but this far from justifies any similarity. This sad bunch I probably hate the most. They are neither hens, not zombies. They are simply rats. Filthy, disease carrying rats. Parasites on my radar, bugs on my path, tumors on my hallways. Clearly they are in school, getting an academic education. But this is futile when they lack the "7 years at home", so to say, meaning the education that your parents give you, the most important element of which is a set of solid manners. You do not learn manners and common sense in university, or high school, or middle school. These are engraved in your psyche at a far younger age and it is closely correlated to what you see and hear at home, in your family. Respecting your elders, washing your hands after you use the washroom, saying hello when you meet someone. These are the very basics of social interaction, and the ones that will one day get you a job or not, for example. You can be an expert at financial stuff, but if you fail to take your hat of when you walk in the interview room, you just failed! These students lack this education, so they are awkward to interact with. Often they just ignore everyone around them. They are in their bubble, confusing a studying atmosphere with the work setting. It turns out they can interact fine, but only when they really need something from you. When the rat is hungry it becomes very resourceful in order to get the food. Otherwise, the rat just runs around in his sewers, shits and sleeps. All I can say is that I am happy to only have two such characters here. The other three or four students are fine, and I get along with them. So I am not generalizing, but merely describing what I see and experience.

After bashing these three groups, I want to end on a more positive note, and a reminder that the three make up about half the workforce. This means that the other half is made up of very nice people who I like to see, talk to, and even look up to. Overall, I have a feeling that it is like everywhere you work. That is just life, but it does not mean we must pretend everyone is a precious little gift to humanity, that everyone is unique and awesome. In fact, humanity is composed mostly of filth.

RAT

2008-12-17T20:29:00.003-05:00

I am a rat under the scrutiny of a mad scientist and his strange wife. I have been grown under their meticulous observation. I had to be uncannily sneaky in order to construct a basic sense of privacy. However, sometimes I feel as though any sense of freedom and privacy is in fact just another piece of the experiment that places me in the spotlight. Throughout the years I found loopholes and managed, at times, to turn the tables in my favor. But my resources are limited. I cannot simply counter-plot against my prison guards eternally: I would become insane, unless I am already insane. I just don't know anymore.

For a while I had everything I wanted and I felt as though my prison could become my home. I was wrong! I was terribly wrong! This cage is a complicated laboratory, with false mirrors and hidden microphones; pipes that carry sound, cold floors, and superficial comfort areas. In essence, the surface looks pleasant enough, but the finer details are constricting. They oppress the mind and only allow temporary relief when the guards are away.

I have grown accustomed to the cyclical periods of absence and presence of my two jail overseers. Finally, I thought I found a window of opportunity during which my mind could rest, only to resume the stress once the guards got back. But recently this all failed me. The mad scientist's wife has fallen ill with some minor disease. But her feeble mind and body, unfit for work unless at top condition, are unable to stand the demands of the workplace. This is how I ended up in my current situation. My windows of opportunity have vanished entirely! I am now under constant observation. From the moment I open my weary eyes to the moment I close them, tired, angry, and frustrated with my predicament.

The overseers do not beat me. I wish they did, sometimes! Physical pain is so superficial compared to the psychological torture I am subjected to. The mad scientist's favorite method of torture is that of interrogation, of close scrutiny and criticism. In his deceitful way, he starts lightly and on an optimistic tone. This tone sometimes fools me... You must understand, I am under a lot of stress and my mind strays at times. It is inevitable! Of course, I quickly pay for my naivete! The tone quickly becomes accusatory! Suddenly, all I said was a mistake, an unforgivable error, an act of such horror that I should - in the overseer's opinion - feel guilty until the day I die. Even small errors grow legs of giants and, bit by bit, they trample what is left of my sanity.

The day ends. Sleep eventually comes. I fall into nightly unconsciousness and dream of ways to escape. But when morning comes, the chains are clearly visible and the way out is obstructed once again.

DREAMS AND COGWHEELS

2008-07-12T22:15:00.001-04:00

There is something about life in the 21st century that saddens me. Well, there are in fact many things that make me question this so called peak of civilization, as in fact one might have already deduced from my blog. But I will try to stick to one issue and not derive too much. I do not know if I am generalizing too much, but I want to say that I feel like there are cases where there is a lack of dreams in one's life.

I will try to narrow this down. By counter-example, we can look at a person who has a goal: to own a business, and by extension, be rich, live comfortably, not worry about much, etc. This is all good, and a very practical way to go about life. This kind of dream would make the person an efficient cogwheel in society, and a happy one at that.

But what about the people who do not dream about attaining a certain status in society? There exist such people, and they spend their time thinking about the larger picture, the big one that few can do much to change. Instead of thinking of ways to use the system to their advantage, they think about ways to either undermine the system or simply avoid becoming a cogwheel. Mind you, I am not saying that either approach is wrong. Rather, I am simply trying to understand the reason why some people would grow in what seems to be a society full of opportunity, without developing any sort of goal or dream in life.

I believe one answer lies in the education system. I feel that an overdose of humanities might make one question things too much. I think that the action of questioning society and the status quo has negative consequences on one's career development. In other words, the more you question, the less practical your thinking will be. The system does not particularly like people who question the inner workings of things: too much questioning might lead to the discovery of flaws, violations, and lies. On the other hand, people with concrete dreams and set visions are very much welcomed. They are a guaranteed cogwheel on whom the system can count.

By contrast, people with no goals, though equally qualified to occupy the same positions as the others, are not exactly guaranteed to become a cogwheel. While their potential to “fuck the system” is rather limited, there is still a certain level of unreliability on their side.

Now, this lack of dreams or goals is actually detrimental to the individual. The person lacking a dream feels left out, lost, and useless. Once that person's education is complete, he/she will feel disoriented and doubtful of what it is that they should do next. Dreams lend a sense of security. Even if they are not tangible right away, they are a concrete aim towards which the person works. A lack of dream leaves the non-dreamer empty and aimless. With no goal, the individual is almost forced to develop a level of anxiety and resentment aimed at the system. These people the see the system as an entity that has failed to provide them with a meaningful existence.

One thing that can balance this is religion. Religion, or spiritualism, can give the individual the sense of a meaningful existence despite any secular drawbacks. In fact, medieval pre-capitalist medieval communities where organized in a hierarchy where land was commonly owned and church played an important role. Now, it is the corporation that owns every aspect of one's life, and consequently, one's dreams, or lack thereof.

SHEEP

2008-06-27T21:36:00.002-04:00

As I grow older and older I feel it is becoming more inevitable to fight the system and avoid becoming a sheep. The years of education make it seem more possible. Being surrounded by book and other fictional narratives such as film and anime really makes one believe there is a way to be a unique individual. I am starting to lose hope in that. While it is always possible to stand on the side skirts of this world, it is counter-recommended. Such behavior sparks only resentment on the part of one's peers. Some even argue that by fighting the system one actually fits into the system, joining one of the many forces that balance one another. It seems it has become hard to just exist and be yourself. Everyone needs to classify everyone else. There is a need to put everyone and everything in separate compartments.

What I just mentioned is part of the human tendency to seek complexity or knowledge. The internet has made vast amounts of knowledge available to a lot of people. But instead of using it in a productive fashion, we humans tend to abuse anything that can safely be abused. Such example is our own planet. To quote a movie I like, if we were to be classified, as a species, we would fit the 'virus' class. We multiply and drain resources, and then move to a new area (The Matrix).

But on a smaller scale I would say we are like sheep, a drone-like species that rarely deviates from a set pattern which is engraved in society on the basis of one's wealth, cultural background, and geographic location. We have lost our ability to fight constructs that are force-fed to us since birth. We are carried away by greater forces, often to such an extent that we do not even question it anymore. And why? Because we usually get to a point where we realize that accepting it is a faster path to a content life than fighting it. And a content state is nowadays enough for most.

I realize that most of what I said refers generally to a North American middle to upper class social stratus, but not exclusively. A point I must make is that fear of death probably gives life more purpose. In a society that serves you all the basic needs on a plate, almost, there is no more real drive. And if there is, it is usually related to financial gain rather than one's true desires and dreams.

So, as happy sheep do, we wallow in self delusion. We create artificial systems and points in time to 'celebrate' other artificial creations and events that happened at other points in the past. Birthdays, National days, mother's day, father's day, women's day, children's day, women's day, etc. You see, we need these things formalized! If they were not engraved in our calendars, we would come to the final obvious conclusions that we never want to acknowledge: nobody gives a shit!

LITERARY TOURISM

2008-04-03T12:59:00.003-04:00

Too few are the English courses nowadays that teach you something valuable that will stay with you after the end of the semester, or school year, as may be the case. This applies to other disciplines too, mostly in the arts and social sciences. In my own experience, I have seen this trend in History and English faculties. What I am speaking of is a tendency to turn the study of literature into something that could be called "literary tourism". This phenomenon is most obvious in what the academia names "survey courses". These are meant to survey a large portion of a certain literary tradition and impart the main points to students. I doubt the usefulness of such endeavor. The student will emerge at the end of the semester with incoherent glimpses of information, which will be promptly forgotten after the final exam.

I am sad to say that "literary tourism" has even reached the world of graduate studies. In the English faculty's Masters program, the same trend is clearly visible. What narrows is only the topic of study. What is then the problem? Well, for one, the students are expected to take 3 courses simultaneously. Each course spans across a period of only three months. The amount of texts one must read does not change to accommodate the short period of time. One might say that it is meant to be challenging. But is this not useless if the student fails to learn anything?

When, then, is the line crossed? The line is crossed when the student no longer reads literature in order to learn, but reads only in order to make the grade and get it over with. Most students do not approach an course thinking of what interesting things they will learn. They approach it with the task of selecting what is essential for them to read in order to pass or get the desired grade. Few will find time to actually read a whole text from page to page and learn from it. They usually sit down at their desk thinking: "Ok... What can I avoid reading without suffering any consequences?" This is truly sad, if not downright depressing.

Courses should have fewer readings, so that more people can actually finish the texts and understand them on time. In class, then, everyone will be able to talk, and meaningful discussions will take place. As it is now, the discussions are fragmented, stalled by lack of knowledge of the text, and making up ideas based on what others say or allude to.

There are, however, some professors who go against the trend and shape the courses in innovative manners. They are often elderly. They have experience and a deep understanding of the subject matter. Few young professors are like this. In the end, I guess it is up to the professor to deal with the imposed rules (number of classes, length of the course) and at the same time gear the course towards LEARNING and not fragmented study, or "literary tourism".

HEALTH FREAKS

2008-04-01T18:53:00.002-04:00

This is another thing that pisses me off. Health freaks. Being healthy is as legitimate as any life choice. Eating healthy is something more of us should do, especially here in North America. Much like any activity or thing you do, it is your own business. My problem is with those who turn something as Utopian as healthy eating habits into a public disturbance. I am referring of course to the classroom setting. Here, these health freaks can be spotted right away. These are some of the traits you must look for in order to spot the health freak:

1. First of all, the health freak will usually show some trace of sport activity. Often, a bike helmet, or one of those big colorful plastic jugs of water. If both these kinds of items are seen, than you got a definite health freak on your hands.

2. Secondly, the health freak can be chatty, out of breath, and slim in body size, or at least very fit. Shoes are a potential clue as well, but it is difficult to judge by that. The chattiness is a good clue, especially when it occurs simultaneously with being out of breath. This is due to the increased oxygen the health freak is drawing in.

3. Finally, the health freak will display a very peculiar eating habit. As the class is held, the health freak will progressively give away her disguise. First, a small container of food will show up and be eaten promptly. Then, perhaps a lengthier snack will be consumed. A third snack will likely show up later on, followed maybe by a forth, perhaps an oatmeal bar or some light candy bar.

It is the last point that allows you to spot the health freak right away and laugh at them (inwardly, so as not to disturb the class). Outwardly, you should tell the health freak to eat the meal before class, or at the break, and not disturb the class for the whole length of the three hours by means of innumerable small snacks. These small snacks allow the health freak to delude herself. "I am having small snacks, therefore I am healthy."
I am not trying to argue against eating well. I am just saying that personal choices like that should not take precedence before common sense and respect for others, in a setting such as the classroom. A classroom is not a cafeteria. I should point out that it is the professor's fault as well. Professors nowadays are too weak and too brainwashed by society in order to stand up for themselves. Being a professor gives a person a certain degree of authority. This authority should be used for the wellbeing of the students. Classroom - no food. Drinks are quiet, therefore OK. Food is loud and prevents students from speaking - NOT OK. This is not rocket science. Just because we live in a society of mass consumption, where too many think with their stomachs, does not mean that the classroom should be turned into a pigsty where health freaks are allowed to disturb the wellbeing of others.
Thank you for reading!

MASTERS EXPERIENCE

2008-01-25T22:23:00.000-05:00

I have a BIG problem with the Masters program I am in. It is in English Literature. My problem is that the expectations placed on the students are ridiculous. They are so for at least two reasons. First of all, the course selection is very limited. The topics are very narrow and therefore restrictive. If a student happens to hate all the topics offered, he is forced to take classes anyway. Variety is needed because nobody likes to be forced to study something they find no interest in. This point is of particular value when you keep in mind that you are not going to use the gained knowledge at all in the future.
My second complaint is the workload. While the masters degree boasts to be a specialized program, where you go from a general undergrad to a progressively specialized field, it is the workload that becomes an obstacle. Each course requires about a novel a week. There are few exceptions. With that amount of reading, there is simply no way the average masters student can understand the text in depth. Therefore, there is always an absence of REAL participation in class. All the discussions are superficial and slow. It is not that the day's text was boring, but simply that nobody has enough time to actually understand it. At best, a student will finish reading the text and have a semi-decent understanding. I guess the point is that simply because people are in the masters program, it does not mean they are superheroes of literature. Most are simply people with an interest in literature, not born analytical-reading-machines.
The solution? Change the admittance system! Alternatively, change the course-load requirements or the course structure itself. See, if you find a method of admittance that separates people with an interest from nerds with no life (analytical-reading-machines), everyone would be very happy in the end!
And one last point, straight to the almighty faculty: guess who's paying for your salary? Most likely, US, the students, through the thousands of dollars the university demands for a barely mediocre experience! I am not angry about the money! Money is what keeps universities up to date with everything. I just wish that for once, the academic experience would actually justify the money I pay! And if you are going to bring up financial assistance, don't. It is far from enough to compensate for everything else.
I am not trying to change the world here, I am merely attempting to voice an opinion. If you got this far reading this, I have succeeded. Thank you.

DOG GIRL

2008-01-22T21:53:00.001-05:00

Here's the deal: there are predominantly smart people in my gard school social circle. It makes sense. We are all adults, mostly in our 20s, some even older. But no social setting lacks its set of strange individuals. Why should I be the one to judge? Why should I jeopardize my own intellect by allowing you, dear reader, to say "Aha! You are not as mature as you say, because you judge people too quickly..."? Because SOMEBODY has to tell things how they are! It is easy to be philosophic and say that normality cannot be defined, or that in this day and age of acceptance we should be more easy on people. But where does that get us, as a species? All the abnormalities are cherished? All the weak ones accommodated? Human rights as an excuse for human stupidity, greed and ignorance?
Anyway, let us not engage in polarized political or philosophical discussions. Let me tell you what is clearly my own subjective problem with this girl in my program. Let me rant about it because she bothers me and I feel anger each time she talks. I nicknamed her the dog girl. Now, her name starts with K or C, not E! There is another dog girl whose name starts with E, but she is nice. Now back to Miss K. This girl is basically pathetic. She is older than me (so probably mid to late 20s). She has the dumbest excuses to skip out on various events. Instead of saying she is busy or simply that she does not want to go, she blames it on her dog. Her dog is alone at home and she needs to get home as soon as possible, or who knows what might happen! This might still be fairly common water. Now, factor in her age and location, plus the fact that she talks about the animal as if it were a person, and you get crazy dog girl! If you live in an apartment, you gotta be pretty damn stupid or very, very cruel to get a dog! Dogs need room - a back yard at the very least. I am pretty sure dog-girl lives in an apartment because she is alone. She is alone and lonely, and I know this because everyone knows this. Everyone knows this because everyone can hear the sad way she talks about anything, and the tender way she talks about her dog. This girl also lacks any trace of a sense of humor. Her attempts to joke suck, and nobody gets her. I just want to laugh in her face one day and tell her how
I am filled with anger towards dog-girl, but and this was my medicine.

ROOM-MATE

2008-01-22T21:24:00.000-05:00

Lazy. Stupid. Uneducated. Dirty. These are all good descriptions of my room-mate. Dishes are periodically left to rot in the sink. The garbage would take over the house if I did not take it out. The stove would reek of burn crap all the time if I did not clean it. The bathroom would breed mutants from dirtiness were it up to my room-mate to clean it. The floors would never meet the vacuum. The windows would never allow fresh air to enter the apartment. I guess these are all good examples for lazy and dirty.
Stupidity and lack of education go hand in hand. This child - I can only use this term for his intellectual capacity - lacks a solid foundation for, well, life! My room-mate shows a total predisposition towards being immature. Nothing he does shows any trace of his age, which I will just say is over 20. Even on a good day, his best deeds are nothing more than common sense to the average individual. Furthermore, anything kind that he will do is most certainly out of self-interest. My room-mate has basically moved out spatially, but psychologically he is still with his parents. The only difference is that I am the person who is now doing what his parents were doing before. The only things he takes care of are his own laundary and his meals. If the basic needs for living are satisfied the troll-like creature which is my room-mate will crawl to his station (his computer) and become absorbed in entertaining himself thusly.
By now, dear reader, you must be wondering "Why the hell did you move out with this Neanderthal?" The answer is simple: money and lack of alternative. Nobody else was determined to move out other than him. His parents are rich, so he can easily afford it. We split the rent, and generally he minds his own business. Exceptions are when his ignorance drives the volume of his stereo through my walls, or when he decides to have a party on a monday nihgt. These occasions are not very numerous, fortunately, and his primitive mind is obedient enough to do what it is told. Subtlety is lost on him. Direct orders are the only remedy to my room-mate's ignorant ways.
Spite is what I feel for my room-mate, and this entry was my pill.